It’s been a very interesting few weeks. I feel as if I’m in a psychological experiment. When you read about narcissists and realize what the bizarre behaviour is really about, your expectations start to change. I used to think I could get through to him, just by proving facts, only to be stuck in circular arguments that went nowhere and focused on small tidbits of partial truths manufactured to make them the victim in every scenario. I am a logical person, engineer by education, and this never sat well with me as it defied all logic.
Now, when I deal with my narcissist, it’s almost a given everything will be turned around and they will project their worst qualities onto you, without fail. You are the selfish person, you are the one who gave up on the marriage, you are the one traumatizing the kids, you you you. Thankfully, being as logical as I am I never fell for this. I always thought that maybe my narc had suffered a brain injury in hockey that made him have bad memory. It was so validating to learn that this is a common trait. Toxic amnesia. I completely feel for those empathetic souls crushed and invalidated by a narcissist to doubt themselves and believe they were the problem. If you are reading this, you are not the problem! You were a victim of psychological abuse.
The fog clears more and more every day. I never did doubt myself, but I used to be constantly perplexed by his lack of memory for the awful things he would say or do, sometimes just a day before he would deny and it was so believable that although I did not doubt myself I really wondered if he was suffering something that went diagnosed. Now that I have cut him out of most aspects of my life, I’ve moved on. As he sees that he doesn’t have the same impact on me, I see the mask falling more and more. He alternates between thinking he can manipulate me back, to being frustrated the old tricks don’t work and being downright nasty. How people can be so unauthentic will always remain a mystery to me.
I don’t really know what the point of this post was, it more of a life update. I signed my separation papers yesterday and I was just excited and wanted to write. I hope he will sign soon and this chapter of my life ends and a new one begins. Since we share a child, he will never be truly out of my life but at least I can get him out of my head once and for all. I definitely have more to say on the topic of toxic amnesia but the end message is trust yourself and trust your gut. Don’t let someone invalidate or bully you into doubting yourself.
~D
Narc Recovery Project 