What an oxymoron. You can’t communicate with a Narc. If you’re lucky enough to have no children by your narc, consider yourself lucky and cut them out of your life with zero contact and never look back. I’m talking block their number, block them on socials, avoid any place you could possibly run into them.
Now, if you’re in the unfortunate position I’m in and you share kids with your Narc, you have to find a way to communicate for the purpose of co-parenting. Let’s be real though, there is no co-parenting with a narcissist. You’re going to be parallel parenting, because I do not advise co-parenting unless you’re dealing with a sane, rational person. The Narc will find any reason to fight over trivial things to get supply from you and the children. The best bet is to cut this supply off. How do you do that when you have kids though?
If you’re new to this and only now discovering you were the victim of psychological abuse, welcome to my Hell. A common method that you may read about is Grey Rock. Which is to be as mundane and boring as possible, basically emulate a “Grey Rock” as the name suggests. One word answers, do not engage in any conversation. They will try to bait you, because negative supply is still supply. In my opinion, they just want to feel relevant. So if you hate on them hard, they will still revel in it because they know their existence matters enough to get a reaction out of you.
This is easier said than done, because they’ve studied you. They know how to push your buttons. They have been experts at getting a reaction out of you and finding ways to gaslight you and make your reaction to their abusive behavior the subject of scrutiny.
What I’ve done to counteract this is to limit all interaction to this co-parenting website called Talking Parents. This. Is. A. Godsend. I love this more than words can say. There are several other apps/websites that exist but this is the only one I’ve ever used. It is free as long as you are using the website platform, which can be easily used on your mobile browser. The use of the app and notifications and other premium services cost $5 a month.
At the moment, I am not in need of the premium features. I love it because the communication is unalterable. Before a new subject is created, there is a warning message to say are you sure you want to send this message because once it’s sent you cannot delete or alter. These messages can be used in court as official proof of anything. It is not going to be subject to the same scrutiny as email or text messages, where you can delete and argue authenticity. This is what drew me to this platform. My ex harasses constantly and goes off topic to bring up crap from the past that make you forget what the original topic was. This was how he could goad you into a confrontation over absolutely nothing and make it seem like I was the crazy reactive one.
Well, this app has basically eliminated it completely. I deleted him off all my socials, and I actually deleted Facebook entirely because I didn’t want his family to spy on me either. I don’t miss it at all. I only have Instagram now, and he is blocked and I am on private. I told him I will not be responding to anything else other than the Talking Parents app. When I see him in person for pick ups, I do not speak to him or look at him no matter what he says to me. Also make sure you stop asking “is this alright?” and start to use assertive language. This will also go in your favor if any of these conversations end up in court. For example, “I will pick up — at 5 at x location”, rather than “Is it okay if I pick — up at 5 at your house?”. Try to be to the point, no emotion or they will sense weakness and try to bully you.
I’m not an expert, but I think the reason these people fixate on their targets are because they will not let go if they keep getting narcissistic supply. Again, it does not matter how much you make it known you hate their guts. It still feeds them and they will still try to use you. When you starve them of attention, they will have to look elsewhere or their ego will die without that constant attention (negative or positive). You will become so boring to them, maybe they will finally find another victim. I know it’s hard to ignore someone attacking you and saying false things about you or completely spinning the truth. Give it a shot though.
One last piece of advice. I know these people will take your life and destroy everything you love and you feel they got away with murder (they did murder your soul). The common reaction is to show that you’re thriving and better off without them. And a lot of people do this by bragging either directly or on social media. I get it, I totally do. I advise against it. They will try to find other ways to destroy you if they think for a minute you’re happy. My advice is to live a great life as it is the best revenge, but keep as much of it to yourself as possible. Going on a great vacation? Keep it to yourself or you’ll find the Narc has created an emergency with your children the week of your vacation. Got a huge raise? Shut up about it or they will try to manufacture an expense that all the sudden requires your attention. Found a new love? Congrats but honestly why do you need to tell the world that unless you want your ex to care. Living well is truly the best revenge, but when you’re dealing with a narcissistic psychopath they will do anything to make sure your life isn’t better without them. Let them think that.
Peace and love!
~D
Narc Recovery Project 